3 min read
27 Dec

**CONTENT WARNING** Description of graphic images of intense intimacy with the invisible God may be unsuitable for unbelievers. 

Hey Dad,

I come to You through Your Son Jesus, my Savior, with the help of The Holy Spirit who has been such a huge help to me through the years in learning about You and coming to know You personally.  The best times in my heart have been the hardest times in my physical surroundings.

This last year especially and I'm so sorry I let things get to me so bad.  Thank You for not turning Your back on me when I've been so weak, when I've lost my way.  I'm grateful You let me know that it says in Isaiah You won't break a bruised reed or quench a faintly burning wick.  That's what I felt like this year Lord... beaten up and bruised, barely staying lit.  My understanding of wisdom and love spit on, returned unopened. Is this how You feel when You make available everything we need to know You and we chose to believe our feelings and look no further? 

Isaiah 42: 3  (In contrast to ruthless human conquerors... Jesus will not crush but rather defend the weak)

This Christmas especially threatened to overwhelm me.  Can You image my surprise to find myself in the "no man's land" of my mind where like the Christmas Truce of 1914, the conflicting thoughts in my mind, which are constantly at war with each other, put their weapons down.  In the chorus of Silent Night, Holy Night I found abundant peace.  A reprieve from negativity, frustration and terrible temptation to choose between "fight or flight".

Of course You aren't surprised... You were there waiting for me!  Thank You God for showing me the way.  For letting me stumble on this sacred ground of being content amidst loss, loneliness and isolation.  God, only You could give me the best gift that I could have or have ever received.  I know it's You Who puts it in my heart to ask for a special blessings to come from You to birthday people I love, whom I hope not to offend with such a request, that You turned it around and gave that special gift to me. 

In fact I'm so grateful I must thank You out loud, in public, without shame or embarrassment.  That's it Father... I feel so safe with You, I know that I know that I know, You only want what's best for me and for my family, everyone I love and even those I don't.  

I'm thinking about a precious little baby, so cute and chunky and completely oblivious to the dangers all around.  A little butter ball who in the covering of her parents home, good parents who love her and would kill for her, allow her FREEDOM to test the limits because they know this is important for her to grow.  The times when she'll take all her clothes off and run around naked, laughing and giggling as she does her best to dart away from her momma's loving arms.  Momma desperately and lovingly chasing her beloved to protect, cloth, feed and love.  This baby doesn't even know yet that it could be any different. This is normal right?  Every daughter, every son can be safe, naked and unashamed, right?  

That was me Lord!  Just yesterday!  I was so joyful, so happy, so grateful it was like I was spiritually naked and unashamed!  I was running from You, knowing You were laughing and chasing me!  Not holding my sin against me!  What sin?  Oh you mean all the charges I pile up every day and have for over 50 years?  Because of my faith and nothing else from me, You, Who put on a flesh suit, like a deep sea diver who puts on all of his equipment to stay amongst the creatures who breathe a different air, came down for 33 years (now that's an oxygen tank for ya, lol)  Oh but Lord, there was a straight line from Your birth to Your death.  You didn't come here to live, but to die.  

Die for me, to pay for my sin so I didn't have to pay the bill myself.  And with my bill PIF, Paid In Full, I can commune with You all day, all night, all the time.  I don't have to die to start my eternal life, it started 33 years ago!  Ironic, huh?  33 years since I heard You audibly speak to me, 33 years since I first felt Your Love, unadulterated stumbling over itself love to get just another foot closer, to protect and cloth and feed.  And I sure was running then wasn't I Lord?

Can I admit God I don't want to go back to my brain, pre Christmas 2020?  Can I please stay in this bubble of faith, confidence, appreciation and peace that surpasses understanding?  Please don't make me Papa... I'll be so miserable, so upset, please don't force me, I'll be miserable all the days of my life! LOL (Inside joke, movie reference for my peeps who know me) 

Oh Lord, is it really up to me to stay in Your presence?  How do I do that while I listen to people who chose to report and believe the glass is always half empty?  How do I bypass the invisible emptiness to get to the elixir in the glass half full?  Is it my job to press the back of the heads of the naysayers until their lips run thick with the sweetness of Your Word?  Can my thirst be quenched while warming my hands around the fire of the enemy?

I'm not that sweet little baby anymore.  All of us who've lived long enough know that this world is fallen, it's not safe!  Keep your clothes on gurlll, don't let your guard down or else!  God, can I trust You when I can't trust anyone else?  You say You're trustworthy.  You say You won't grow faint or be discouraged till You have established justice in the earth.  You promised You Are The Lord; and You have called me in righteousness; You will take me by the hand and keep me. 

Keep me until the former things have come to pass and new things You now declare; before they spring forth You tell me of them.

Thank You God for hearing the cries of Your people.  Thank You God for hearing my cries.  I know You're on Your way and I'm so excited to see You Face-to-face.  Help me be strong while I wait Lord and if this weekend was just the eye of the storm and it's coming back around, please sustain me, don't be like our human leaders who are in this for themselves, leaving us like sheep for the wolves to slaughter.  I know You won't.  Thank You thank You thank You!  I praise You, I lift my hands, say Amen, even if it's still raining.

Thank You for music Lord, a healing balm on my human soul, living in a fallen world, that blames You for everything when You Are the solution, not the problem.... 

So much love dad,

Your daughter,   

Tracy Lee 

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